Arsenal and Man Utd 'nightmare start' as Premier League fixture day delivers again

The Premier League fixtures have been announced, and that means nightmare starts, tricky run-ins and barely concealed conspiracy theories. Enjoy.

Nightmare fuel

It’s fixture list day, and that means certain rules must be followed.

All main stories on the fixture list are required by ancient law to contain the following information: who the champions ‘kick off their defence’ against, how the most high-profile new manager will ‘start his Team X reign’ and who promoted teams will ‘start life back in the top flight’ by facing/clashing/hosting/visiting but weirdly for some reason very rarely just ‘playing’.

But more important than all that is identifying the team who have the toughest start. And that is – surprise, surprise – Arsenal as for a record-breaking 34th season in a row the fixture list announcement once again confirms The Conspiracy.

So just how bad is Arsenal’s start, one that sets them a daunting opening task against the 15th best team in the country before facing a newly-promoted team second? It’s a nightmare start, guys. Don’t take our word for it – look.

In fact the Gunners have a nightmare start, also facing Liverpool and City within their first five games – Mirror Arsenal handed nightmare start to new season as fixtures released – Evening Standard Arsenal have discovered their Premier League fixtures for the 2025-26 season with Mikel Arteta’s side handed a nightmare start to the campaign – Daily Express Premier League fixtures: Boxing Day tradition cancelled, plus Arsenal’s nightmare start – Daily Telegraph The 2025/26 Premier League fixtures have been released as Arsenal’s nightmare start could allow Liverpool to gain early ground – Daily Star Arsenal have been handed a nightmare start to their 2025/26 Premier League season with trips to Old Trafford and Anfield to face Manchester United, live on Sky Sports, and Liverpool in their opening three games of the campaign – Sky Sports The Emirates faithful were left stunned by the team’s nightmare start to the season, so much so that some of them joked that the fixtures, which are COMPILED BY A COMPUTER, are fixed – The Sun

Some truly astonishing capitalisation work but surely a missed opportunity for some SUPERCOMPUTER action.

And then our absolute favourite…

Arsenal Premier League 2025/26 fixtures simulated as Man City and Newcastle nightmare revealed – football.london

Yes, to be absolutely clear, that is football.london on Tuesday evening talking about an entirely fictitious nightmare they had invented by just making up (sorry, ‘simulating’) some fake fixtures that didn’t exist and never will.

Ahead of the fixtures being released at 9am on Wednesday, football.london used a fixture simulator to determine the opening six rounds of games. According to the simulator, Arsenal were dealt an extremely tough opening few weeks of the season.

Even the simulators are in on The Conspiracy. It goes deeper than we thought.

And this bit has broken Mediawatch’s brain.

Unlike the case with regard to European competitions, there is no seeding for Premier League fixtures, meaning anyone can be pitted against anyone.

What? But… how would…? WHAT? Everyone can be and is pitted against everyone. It is literally how the Premier League works and always has.

It’s not just Arsenal facing nightmares real and imagined, though.

Man Utd Premier League fixtures: Ruben Amorim handed nightmare start as Arsenal kick off horror run of top six clashes – The Sun MANCHESTER UNITED fans have been left fearing for Ruben Amorim after he was handed a nightmare start to the new season – Also The Sun

Bloody hell

While football.london took the bold ‘just make up some fixtures and talk about those as if they were real’ approach, there is one other way to hoover up some early fixture-list clicks without breaking the embargo. As the Mirror did with this mischief on Tuesday night.

Astonishing attack over Man Utd fixture list – ‘They tell me it’s not planned – bloody hell!’

That truly is an astonishing attack over a Man Utd fixture list. From Sir Alex Ferguson. In 2009.

Mo problems

And even that isn’t the end of the nightmares. Who’d have thought a humble fixture computer could cause such trauma?

It is to the Mail we head next, for one of their famously succinct and in no way irrational headlines.

Premier League 2025-26 fixtures RELEASED: Manchester United meet Arsenal in HUGE Old Trafford opener – Liverpool face AFCON nightmare and Everton’s first game at new stadium

AFCON nightmare, is it? Okay, let’s hear it.

But Reds fans will also be concerned about the prospect of losing Mo Salah to AFCON for some vital fixtures.

Probably, yes. But he was always going to miss some games. Are they really bad ones?

Liverpool will travel to the Emirates to face Arsenal, who are expected to be fellow title contenders again, without their Egyptian talisman on January 7.

Fair enough, that sounds quite bad. Weird that The Conspiracy let that slip through the net, to be honest, but I guess you have to do something to keep people off the scent. What about their other games?

Salah could also miss games against Wolves, Leeds, Fulham and Burnley – which on paper should not provide as many issues.

Nightmare.

Inevitable headline of the day

And, equally inevitably, it comes from the Mirror.

Supercomputer predicts final Premier League table for 2025/26 season as fixtures released

Of course it does.

Shot right through with a bolt of blue

We’ll concede a grudging admiration for the Manchester Evening News trying to wring some clicks out of a Club World Cup absolutely nobody seems to care about, but we do have our limits.

Man City could face bizarre Club World Cup problem nobody is talking about

That ‘bizarre’ problem is literally ‘they might in theory get knocked out early’.

You’re welcome.

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